Miss Humpsapole

Because of an illness in the family, I am forced to see people I really can't stand. One of those would be a relative whose biggest ambition in life is to amass large quantities of lucite heels. Now, I have nothing against strippers...do what you gotta do. However, if you're a stupid stripper wearing your stripper clothes at 9am to a hospital, stay the hell away from me.

And don't bring your douchebag boyfriend who thinks he's 50 Cent. Even if Fiddy was white and weighed the size of a fucking island, he still wouldn't roll with your skank ass. While your at it, keep LaDouche away from me when he tries to engage me in conversation when neither of you know that British people speak fucking English.

I'm a fairly nice person who can at times get pissy. Pissy however got out of the way today because I pole vaulted straight into outright pissed. She apparently didn't pick up on that because she proceeded to ask why I didn't look upset and concluded that I must be an evil bitch. Oh, hell no!

In my head I was going to deliver the greatest beat down known to man. I was going to beat that hussy like she stole something. Unfortunately, once I stood up, I remembered that I was in hospital. Although perfect for quick repair of all the bones I wanted to crush, it was inappropriate not only for the setting but for the fact that I am 34 year old woman with a kid. So I calmly, and as nicely as I could, told her that if she didn't shut the fuck up, I was going to stick one of her lucite heels up her ass.

I then walked out of the waiting room and made my way outside. I needed to calm down, I needed a smoke (shhh, I know...I'll quit again soon) and I needed to think of a quiet way to get rid of LaDouche and Miss Humpsapole. I paced the parking lot trying to think of the one thing that would scare the shit out of a gutter rat and her 300 pound pussy of a man when a light bulb flicked on.

I flipped open my cell and called her Mother. Seriously, don't fuck with someone who has your mama on speed dial.