This & That

I was not looking forward to two weeks with the Warden. His vacations in the past have consisted of him annoying me like a 5 year old. So I am amazed to write the words, "it was fabulous". It was filled with surprises, laughter, tears and really hot sex. Once all of those at the same time.

Now, you know how I like a bit of mystery so I'm not saying what it was that spurred our fabulous time. But you're a smart lot and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Now that the fun is over, I have a long week filled with catching up. I have yet to get to e-mails, so my apologies as it may be a bit longer.
~~~
10 Things I Learned in 2 Weeks

1. I can spend 24 hours a day for 2 weeks with the Warden and not hurt him in any way. Unless you count that bruise on his arm which was not my fault really. He was standing in the way of my fist.

2. Even surrounded by adults in a restaurant, I will act like a six year old and refuse to eat whatever the fuck that raw shit was on my plate. However, when it's replaced with Bok Choy covered in some green concoction (I vote nay on the wasabi explanation), I am able to act like an adult and resist the urge to tell the chef to fuck off.

3. Sitting around a fire with friends while the one that kinda looks like Keanu Reeves sings used to be a lot more entertaining when I was drunk. But watching the Wardens face when he realized KR-Alike was about to launch into Ring Of Fire? Pure entertainment.

4. I can be really nice to people I can't stand for the sake of people I love.

5. I am a friggin' fabulous actress.

6. Overworked adults will sit outside on a deck at 3 in the morning and nearly piss themselves laughing just by shouting out names like:
Harry Zach O'Balls
Keisha Mei Ash
Crystal Chanda Leer
Willie Makeet
Willy B. Hardigan

This would also be around the time I took the wine away from them.

7. I am in danger of losing my cool kid card. While out at a beach restaurant, a group of people on the beach yelled out 4:20, and I actually looked at the Wardens pocket watch.

8.The Warden, the kid, and I were pretty proud that after a week without the comforts of computer, internet and any of our beloved gadgets we were okay. The second week...not so much.

9. I can wear a dress and not complain. I can wear heels higher than should be allowed and not complain. But try and put flowers in my hair and I'll fight you like Tyson.

10. As a child I would lay in bed and wonder if I'd ever be loved. I wish I could tell that little girl that she will definitely be loved. More than she ever thought possible by more people than she could have ever dreamed.

Prime Bud Medicine

I've been doing..uh...stuff and haven't been on my own "turf". Thus my lack of posting. I've received e-mails from a few people and just wanted to say, I'm fine. I know I tend to go missing without explanation but I assure you this isn't one of those times. I'll answer all e-mails and be back soon!

I did have to take a moment out to post this video. For real, Snoop can get away with anything. Next, he'll announce his new Opera CD with Andrea Bocelli called, "Sono un Gangsta".

I know diddly about country music so I couldn't tell you the name of some in the video. I do however know Willie Nelson and I suspect his reasoning for doing this is the primo bud Snoop provided. I'd almost bet this song was coined at a meeting in Amsterdam with Snoop, Willie and their assistant Mary Jane.

Her Greatest Gift

Today the need to thank the man who is half the reason my daughter is the beautiful child she is, is strong. The man who is kind, funny and smart. The man who gave up everything for love. The man who makes me want to tear my hair out and jump his bones all in the same moment. He is the goofiest bastard I've ever met and he owns the key to the chamber that houses my heart.

My own Father did not love, only hated. Only hurt. I wanted my daughter to have everything I didn't have in a Father. And she does. She has a Dad. A Daddy. A play toy, playground and all around pushover. A giggle buddy, a smile monster, a cartoon watcher. He hugs, he kisses, he loves. He never yells and is usually the instigator in the trouble making. He is everything a Dad should be. Everything. And a million things more.

So to him I say thank you. Sometimes you make my blood boil and sometimes you make me utter words of extreme vulgarity. But when I see you being the Dad, I suddenly forget every reason why I want to strangle you. And it is at those times I know, without a doubt, the greatest gift I ever gave to my daughter was her father.

Happy Father's Day. Especially to you Mr. Wanders, especially to you.

Thank Him? Hell No

And so Father's Day approaches and I feel the same about that as I do about Mother's Day. I won't be thanking an old perv for screwing my teenage Mother. I was urged today to send him something, to which I said fuck off. However I would send one if I could find Hallmark cards that say:

~Happy Father's Day! Why aren't you rotting in hell?
~On this day I want to say thank you for showing me the true definition of asshole. Have a good one!
~Happy Father's Day! Have a fabulous fucking time alone, you prick.

I am so made for a career in the greeting card industry. And no, I'm not angry. I'm just filled with hate. So no, no lovely sentiments from me for the guy who left his sperm where it didn't belong. I will however be giving mad love and writing a post to the Warden on Sunday. Not just because he is an amazing Father to our kid but because the only complaint she'll have is that he's a goofy bastard.

That Thing Vagina

I have been subjected to Monty Pythons "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" all night long. It's not because The Warden loves it so much he has to have it on endless repeat. He does it simply to piss me off. I'm about to climb on top of a Brit and start bangin' away. And not in a "damn that's hot" kind of way.

You'd think that after 3,000 years of marriage I would learn to not tell him to "put your fucking headphones on before I squeeze your balls so hard you sound like Beckham". It only fuels his glee and kicks his need to aggravate me up a notch.

So when he blew me a kiss and turned off the song, I knew it was going to be replaced with some shit that was going to make me groan and reach for the Motrin. And the bastard hid my headphones. The name of the song? The Vagina.

*As usual, video/song is not safe for work, uptight spouses or little ears.*

Girl, Please

I don't talk about anything involving politics here because this isn't that kind of place. However this is just ridiculous. Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, two of Bill Clinton's alleged booty buddies have teamed up on a website. For $1.99 they'll tell you how gray Clinton's pubes are and if they got off. What the fuck and who cares?

I can't even begin to tell you how much it irks me that people are paraded around just because they screwed someone in the public eye. You know, I could film myself using a dildo on a famous celeb while feeding him crack and calling him a dirty boy and I still wouldn't sell that shit to the press.

Used to be little girls and boys aspired to do something with their lives. Now it seems they just want to do someone for their 15 minutes. At 34, I come from a world where you kept your business to yourself. I had a friend who slept with a semi famous sitcom star back in the early 90's. No one knew. She never told, I never told, he never told. It's not that hard to just shut the fuck up.

As for Jones and Flowers, I hope the website flops and they go back to doing whatever it is they've been doing. It would also be nice if they took all the other 15 minute fame whores with them.

Back It Up

When everything piles up in life, I just take a deep breath, utter a few fuck me's and do what's got to be done. There are those rare instances however when I procrastinate. Procrastination is a horrible shit and I try to avoid him at all costs. But sometimes he slips through, grabs a hold of me and makes me want to lay my head on his chest forever.

Because I allowed myself to be seduced by procrastination, I never got around to picking up those back up disks I needed. Tomorrow, I'd say, because procrastination felt so good. Then tomorrow came and my computer decided to get a little kinky and blow the motherboard. And procrastination laughed in my face and strolled out the door.

There are 5 more computers in the house, so my issue isn't not having one. My issue is in the fact that I lost everything of red level importance. Half of a 500 page report I've been working on for weeks. A 200 page portfolio due Thursday. Documents with a Friday deadline. Codes to three templates (my apologies). Pre-written posts. Gone. Gone. Gone.

For the last two days I have been busting my ass trying to redo all of the "I am so fucked" things that need to be done. My head hurts, my back aches, my eyes are red. My fingers have cramped up 6 times in the last 48 hours. But you know what the worst part of it all is? That I have no one to rage to because I'm the genius that fucked my own shit up. Fanfriggintastic.

The point of this post is actually to just deliver a message to those that are thinking of giving in to procrastination. Don't do it man. Trust me on this. Leave that trick alone! And please, please always remember.....back your shit up.

~And yes I do realize I am procrastinating by writing this post. What can I say, procrastination has a nice ass.~

Weekend Chuckle

I usually try to refrain from cutesy stuff around here because people might actually get the impression that I'm *gasp* nice. However, I couldn't pass this one up because it is simply adorable. Maybe it's just me that finds it adorable considering I am slave to live with four felines. My furry masters trained me well to find all things cat, cute. Except for Icanhascheezburger. We draw the line at that. Because frankly, I can't take one more "Iz in your fridge stealinz your Bud."

Have a great weekend! I hope you enjoy the leisure time & sleep like drunken kitties.

Accidental Sex

I never use Google chat. The first time a message appeared, I didn't know what the hell it was. Since then, I've been messaged quite a few times while reading e-mail. Earlier, I noticed the icon and clicked it to find that Google automatically saves your IM's in gtalk. Who knew! One of the messages saved was the following with a friend. She has a habit of accidental sex. And losing her panties.

CC: we accidentally had sex!God I'm such a slut
Me: Accidentally? What did you do? Trip and fall mouth first onto his penis? Did he flip you around and accidentally mount you?
CC: stop being funny this is serious. and i think I left my panties at his place
Me: You think you left them? What the fuck C? Where else would they be...downtown? Movie theater? Restaurant? Fuck me. Wait...were you even wearing panties?
CC: i was when i left my apartment.Taj! call him please ask if my panties are there
Me: Oh hell no. Handle your own business woman.
CC: Please i dont want to talk to him.He might want to do it again and he didnt do it right the first time
Me: If I call...I'm selling a peep at your panties for a dollar.
CC: not funny
Me: Oh shit...he just called...he's outside your apartment. With your panties.
CC: NO!!!oh god what if we accidentally have sex again?
Me: You have issues.
CC: he's not out there
Me: I know...I lied. But you totally wanted him to be.

Office Rage

When I first saw this clip below, the movie Network immediately came to mind. This guy could have just opened a window and yelled, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!", and saved himself jail time and a shitload of grief.

I've worked in an office environment such as this before. And there were times when I could have seriously gone postal on half a dozen people. But most of us have that sane inner voice that tells us our psychotic breakdowns aren't for public consumption. I suspect a serious mental evaluation is in this guys future.

I am curious as to what exactly set him off? It seems as though the guy in the white shirt knocked some papers off his desk and words were exchanged. However, to flip out like that, his anger must have been building for quite some time. I love how everyone just stands around while he trashes the office for 3 minutes before someone decides to take him down. If I was the woman who got slammed with the monitor I would have had his ass on the ground in a minute flat.

Me Tie Tie

For the last three days, I've been wandering around muttering, "Me tie tie" and sighing repeatedly. The Warden says I remind him of a crackhead he saw in London once only she was 50 and was willing to "suck it for a couple a quid".

For those without children "me tie tie" translates into, "I am so friggin tired I think my head is going to explode." I'm not talking general fatigue. My insomnia affords me an odd immunity to that. I'm talking more along the lines of if one more thing gets thrown on my plate someone is going to get it right upside the head.

It seemed I was no longer functioning on any type of coherent level. I grunted, I muttered, I cursed. I walked, ran and shuffled. So I quit. I upped and resigned the position of Taj in IRL. Because quite frankly, that chick is absolutely no fun.

So here I sit, blissfully doing nothing but what I enjoy. Looking for some laughs, enjoying a good read, smiling at the written words of others. It's fabulous I tell you, fabulous.

~I've neglected my Wander Of The Week for quite some time now. But if I were to do them again, Kristabella would totally get one for her cabby crash post. Not funny that she hurt her head but funny because that's just what Kristabella is.~